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Fatty Patty’s: This is NOT Fast Eddies, But It’s Worth The Trip!

16 Mar

NOTICE: If you have been getting your reviews from a toxic wasteland like topix dot net, then you need to seek mental help and you should not handle a firearm…

So my wife and I, who love food, were excited to see a dollar burger joint finally make its way into our back yard and anxiously awaited payday and its opening to give it a whirl. As we watched the initial reviews roll in, we became quite perturbed at all of the locals remarking about “it’s not Fast Eddies.”

Well, damn right.

First of all, there is only one Fast Eddies in Alton, Illinois, and I’ll give you three good reasons why I haven’t been to it for nearly three years, starting with: “I have young children.” Granted, if you’re one of ‘those’ people who leave your kid at home with your dog as your babysitter, taking the misses to the “Over 21” Fast Eddies is no problem for you. The rest of us more responsible people have to get a sitter, which by the time you rack up that cost, you’re lucky to afford even the quality prices at Fast Eddies.

Two: I eat with my family. God’s Word frames meals as an intimate event, as noted in all of the traditional festivals and especially in ‘The Last Supper.’ The few times that I don’t, it’s hardly a meal.

Three: Fast Eddies has a ‘two drink minimum.’ Don’t get me wrong, I love beer. I love hard liquor. Unfortunately, these past three years I’ve been on diabetes medication, so drinking a beer to me is the equivalent of inhaling a loaf of bread. I just had my A1c this morning. It was 9.1, which is down from 10.2, but still… No beer. Yes, St. Patrick’s Day is going to suck with me. I’ll deal.

So with the ‘Fast Eddies’ stigma out of the way, let me tell you about Fatty Patty’s. First off, it considers itself family friendly. Even though there are pool tables, darts and two bars, as well as live music on the weekends, the staff was nothing but friendly to my kids and all the families who were there with kids. That really impressed me, and it really distinguished itself from… Well… Let’s move on.

The food there was phenomenal for the price. My wife mistakenly purchased two burgers, thinking they were small and was overwhelmed by the actual size, not to mention the nice smoky char and juiciness of them. The fried mushrooms were great, and not gushing with piping-hot grease or cold and slimy, but just the way my mother used to make them. The fries came in straight and curly and were both great-tasting, not skimping on the potato quality at all.

Like that one place, condiments were placed on a table at the side of the food pick-up window. The essentials were present: Dispensers and packets, as well as onions (white and red), sweet pickles, banana peppers, even sliced tomatoes and the like. Napkins were abundant, and we sure needed those! Parents will recognize that statement to be true, for sure.

Somehow the steak kabob was left off of our order. When I brought this to the attention of the kitchen manager, our whole order was re-fired and boy are we going to be eating chicken and fries for the next day or two! It was so refreshing to get that sort of attention from a new eatery. Had I complained at that other place, I probably would have been waved off or had to wait behind the masses who were waiting on their food…

The occasional visit from a floating waitress smoothed out any bumps that would have negated our complete dining experience here. We were even asked if the ambient music was too loud for our kids. That was sweet, and no, it wasn’t. As a matter of fact, it was drowning out how loud and obnoxious my kids were being.

From my family to yours, you should really give this place a shot. For no other reason than, well, it’s not that other place. In essence, it’s unique.

Sure, there were some grumblings, but they were minor, and as I point them out here, it certainly doesn’t diminish the whole experience, and I know eventually they’ll get it corrected.

For instance, the seating was somewhat limited. Four tops and elevated four tops, as well as the bar, don’t accommodate but the smallest of families. As with most ‘pub’ protocol, couples were claiming the tables in the middle, which made scooting two four tops together nearly impossible, but we were able to gather six around the table without it being a disruption. There also weren’t any high chairs, but for the most part this is a minor inconvenience, unless you have that toddler who likes to sky dive off of regular chairs.

The sweet pickles were great, but man, a good dill would have made the burger. I could have also gone for any available barbecue, steak or hot sauce. Again, minor. Those patties were so juicy, you could have ate them plain and the steak kabob was so worth the wait. It wasn’t over-seasoned at all and tasted like it came straight off the grill.

Bathrooms. My wife freaked out when she went to use the stall at a prominent Clayton establishment and some heel-stumbling débutante had crapped a big turd on the rim of the toilet, and ever since then I have been her sounding board on bathroom reviews. I wasn’t too pleased when the redneck in front of me had left the seat down and I had to change my kid. I know this isn’t necessarily the restaurant’s problem (more like the mismatched clientèle), but checking the bathrooms often would certainly serve any place well.

In essence, we will certainly return. This building has been host to many restaurants of many types, and we wish the current ownership success in this new venture.